The Failed Branch

Enveloped by the warm, humid heat of the Singapore sun setting behind wispy clumps of cloud, I feel both inspired and disenchanted at the same time.

Picture a large branch sprawled across our path, snapped away from a majestic tree, leaving a huge gaping wound on the trunk.

A choice is being instigated: what do we do? When met with an obstacle, many of us often choose to charge forward and go through with courage, finding solutions to navigate ahead regardless of difficulties and what we sacrifice for it. Then there are ones who assess the situation and consider, “Maybe we should turn back, find another path forward”.

Obstacles on a journey can equip us with resilience if we do not resist, with a determination of manoeuvring through to perceived success. However if in doubt, I wonder if it is our gut instinct trying to tell us that pushing through might not be the way? Over the evolution of the human race, how much of that natural instinct have we lost, and is that instinct trying to tap into our own consciousness, to try and find a way back in?

Ever since I started my journey with trees – with a revelation that “I could do this for the rest of my life” – I have had great moments and achievements, but the journey has also been fraught with dips and losses. However, the perception that with every failure another door opens and that losses are gains in another dimension, has been the accompanying trait of my journey, teaching me that it’s ok to ‘fail’ at the things that weren’t meant to be.

The feeling of finding an intrinsic connection, the deep knowing that you are doing more than the cosmos will allow you to see with the naked eye, is something quite profound. People talk about feeling into their paths and some are lucky enough to be rewarded for their passions. Others however, lose a piece of themselves along the way and suppress the consequences of sacrifice without joy.

Trees are very special to me. Especially the old ones. The ones which have lived through the test of time, witnessed history; cracked, hollowed and frayed their physical structures to give life to other beings. It’s hard for me not to be wowed each time I find an elderly tree being; it’s hard not to jump up and embrace it, to be next to it, soaking up its lovely aura.

The truth is, there is also a disillusionment behind my joy.

The past few years have made me question my path. Why I wasn’t getting opportunities to work more closely with veteran trees. Why I’ve had to repeatedly seek out these opportunities, put myself out there to people but failed to be offered a chance. Why I’ve applied for things and been rejected (in the nicest possible way). Why I’ve failed, like a tree limb across the path.

I would usually be able to pick myself up and keep trying, but I question lately if these are signs from the universe that the road I’ve been treading isn’t the way for me anymore, and am I martyr enough to absolve all blame from the forces of the industry?

People say to me, “It’s ok to fail, when you succeed next time it will be sweeter”. Is it though? Can I physically put myself through the emotions, stress and intensity of trying to prove that I deserve a place in the field of ancient and veteran trees? This could be due to my insecurities of course, but somehow I feel I don’t have the mettle to do that to myself anymore. My love for trees was meant to be simple and joyful. Not fraught with worry and internal struggles. Something is not right here. A missing link in the chain. A broken part in the alignment.

Something is shifting.

When and how do we know that the fight is not worth fighting anymore? How do we maintain joy in the face of adversity? When do we recognise that the path is not ours to take anymore, and that a detour is necessary for significant change?

I know I’ll always have that strong energetic connection with ancient and veteran trees. How my work and interpretation of this connection could look like will be left to the periphery of my imagination and the mystery of how life unfolds.

What my path will be I’m yet to know and I think it’s perhaps time to stop questioning. I’m learning to be more self-compassionate and to not to take on the responsibilities of others too much. I need to speak my truth and for years I haven’t felt able to do so fully (until the past year and a half) – and for those of you who know about my divorce – that past life had also taken its toll on me tremendously.

A failed branch fallen is a chance for a tree to shed. Perhaps that isn’t as bad as it sounds in life. Shedding parts of ourselves that don’t serve us anymore will ultimately give us room for everlasting or new growth.

I’m ever so grateful to have a few very inspiring people and life mentors who have stood by me, helped me reframe my perspectives, as well as now having a wonderful, loving and wise partner who brings me so much joy, helping me live my life more authentically.

Whichever way the path will meander, I shall endeavour to focus my energy on being happy and think creatively in whatever I do, be it the little things or tasks of more grandeur. It’s time to be more present and attuned to my natural instincts, to listen deeply and feel sincere hope for the future and whatever that frequency will bring me.

For now, I shall sit atop that fallen branch and wait for an eagle to fly overhead.